LIFE LESSONS TO HELP YOU LIVE IN YOUR CREATIVE VISION
A Telemundo Interview with Dr. Carolyn AlRoy
Having a successful and long-term love relationship isn’t easy, but it can be achieved! Here are 7 tips from Dr. Carolyn AlRoy to help keep you on the right track.
1. Show how much you appreciate your partner
It seems like something super basic, right? Well, New York psychologist Carolyn Alroy warned us that this can become difficult when you have children, because you could start taking the relationship for granted.
Use small friendly gestures, and say nice things. "Do what you did when you were dating," she suggests, adding that having a consistent day on which you have a “date” could help.
2. When something’s not working, tell them
Sometimes we have to express that we don’t agree with what’s happening. AlRoy recommends doing it in a respectful and calm manner. For example you could say: "I love your parents but it becomes stressful when they stay a long time. Could they come just for the weekend? " You won’t always get what you want, but at least your partner will know that you‘re making an effort to accommodate his/her desires.
3. Cultivate your own interests
According to Dr. AlRoy, it’s easy to "merge" with your partner, to the point of forgetting that they’re different people, with different interests. Don’t forget to take care of yours! Do it like this: Get together with your friends, take that class you like, or watch those movies that you know your partner would never want to see. Give your partner the time to do the same. So, they'll have something to talk about when they get home!
4. Don’t overly vent
It’s important not to dump your frustrations on the person with whom you feel most secure. This is a very common mistake. Be clear who you’re really angry with, and act in accordance with it. Wait until you calm down and you’ve had time to reflect. Remember that the words you say in full anger and frustration can’t be retracted, and often cause resentment. They don’t lead to good collaboration or mutual agreement. Consider this: Expressing too many needs at the same time could make the other person feel overwhelmed and unable to process them. You shouldn’t threaten to leave the relationship unless you really mean it, as this can corrode the trust and your connection.
5. Stay positive about the other person
According to AlRoy, this is the biggest secret for a lasting relationship. "Remember what made you fall in love. Stay open to what your partner says. Take time to connect" .
6. Choose your battles
Love conquers many things, but there will always be those small, quirky habits of your partner that nearly drive you out of your mind! PsychCentral suggests carefully choosing which discussions matter the most, and which ones could or should be avoided. For example, do you really want to argue over the toothpaste cap? Or do you prefer to reserve your energies to talk about the future, children, finances and other key issues? It’s easy to get carried away by small dilemmas, so try to avoid fights over trivial matters.
7. Don’t hide your needs
Many times, we put ourselves in second place, behind the needs and desires of the other person. We could leave our career to raise children without really wanting to, or relocate to support our partner’s career goals. Before making these kinds of decisions, think about whether what you’re potentially giving up is important to you or not. If it is, find a way to communicate it to your partner, and if possible, find a middle ground.
About Dr. Carolyn AlRoy: Carolyn AlRoy is a licensed NYC psychologist. Dr. AlRoy has been in the field for 20 years helping clients resolve resistance to change and success.