Know the Secrets to Have a Successful and Lasting Love Relationship

A Telemundo Interview with Dr. Carolyn AlRoy

Having a successful and long-term love relationship isn’t easy, but it can be achieved!  Here are 7 tips  from Dr. Carolyn AlRoy to help keep you on the right track. 

1.  Show how much you appreciate your partner

It seems like something super basic, right? Well, New York psychologist Carolyn Alroy warned us that this can become difficult when you have children, because you could start taking the relationship for granted.

Use small friendly gestures, and say nice things. "Do what you did when you were dating," she suggests, adding that having a  consistent day on which you have a “date” could help.

2.  When something’s not working, tell them

Sometimes we have to express that we don’t agree with what’s happening. AlRoy recommends doing it in a respectful and calm manner.  For example you could say:  "I love your parents but it becomes stressful when they stay a long time. Could they come just for the weekend? "  You won’t always get what you want, but at least your partner will know that you‘re making an effort to accommodate his/her desires.

3. Cultivate your own interests

According to Dr. AlRoy, it’s easy to "merge" with your partner, to the point of forgetting that they’re different people, with different interests.  Don’t forget to take care of yours!  Do it like this:  Get together with your friends, take that class you like, or watch those movies that you know your partner would never want to see.  Give your partner the time to do the same.   So, they'll have something to talk about when they get home!

4.  Don’t overly vent

It’s important not to dump your frustrations on the person with whom you feel most secure. This is a very common mistake. Be clear who you’re really angry with, and act in accordance with it.  Wait until you calm down and you’ve had time to reflect.  Remember that the words you say in full anger and frustration can’t be retracted, and often cause resentment. They don’t lead to good collaboration or mutual agreement.  Consider this:  Expressing too many needs at the same time could make the other person feel overwhelmed and unable to process them. You shouldn’t threaten to leave the relationship unless you really mean it, as this can corrode the trust and your connection.

5.  Stay positive about the other person

According to AlRoy, this is the biggest secret for a lasting relationship. "Remember what made you fall in love.  Stay open to what your partner says. Take time to connect" .

6.  Choose your battles

Love conquers many things, but there will always be those small, quirky habits of your partner that nearly drive you out of your mind!   PsychCentral  suggests  carefully choosing which discussions matter the most, and which ones could or should be avoided.  For example, do you really want to argue over the toothpaste cap?  Or do you prefer to reserve your energies to talk about the future, children, finances and other key issues?  It’s easy to get carried away by small dilemmas, so try to avoid fights over trivial matters.

7.  Don’t hide your needs

Many times, we put ourselves in second place, behind the needs and desires of the other person.  We could leave our career to raise children without really wanting to, or relocate to support our partner’s career goals.  Before making these kinds of decisions, think about whether what you’re potentially giving up is important to you or not.  If it is, find a way to communicate it to your partner, and if possible, find a middle ground.


About Dr. Carolyn AlRoy:  Carolyn AlRoy is a licensed NYC psychologist.  Dr. AlRoy has been in the field for 20 years helping clients resolve resistance to change and success. 

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How to Talk with Your Kids About Tragedies
by Carolyn AlRoy, Psy.D.

In light of recent tragedies reported in the news, such as the Boston Marathon incident, I wanted to give parents some ideas about how they can talk to their children about these events.  While I do work with children and their parents, the suggestions below do not constitute therapy or counseling, and are not a substitute for therapeutic intervention.  But hopefully they will be educational and helpful.

Children of all ages are generally very perceptive.  School aged (6-11 years) children are no exception.  They pick up tension in their caregivers, and it can make them anxious.  They want to feel safe. 

First of all, do an emotional check-in with yourself.  How are you feeling after the Marathon, and how is it affecting you?  Sometimes, people don't realize until they stop and think how they may be feeling.  Seek out emotional support, and talk to a friend if you realize that you are sad, afraid, anxious, guilty, lonely, or regretful, and certainly if you are overwhelmed by these kinds of feelings.  Sometimes engaging in a little extra self-care (e.g., making your favorite food for dinner, meditate, soak your feet in epson salts) can help.  

Next, turn off the television. News channels tend to replay video clips, and repeat "news," even if it is not providing new information.   This may exacerbate anxiety and fear of the unknown in you.   It can also cause upset feelings in children who may be watching.  In addition, your child is certain to be aware of your feelings, and this can be very upsetting and fear-inducing for them. This was particularly a problem during 9/11, when footage of the planes hitting the World Trade Center towers aired every few minutes, putting stunned viewers in a trance, and even very responsible parents were caught unaware. 

Notice if your child appears to be sad, upset or afraid.  Some schools make a point to address potentially upsetting news events.  But also remember that sometimes, children get misinformation from their friends, or misinterpret the information that they get, believing that they are in danger.  Bringing up the topic may provide an opportunity to connect with your child and correct misunderstandings.

If you want to start a discussion with your child, mention that some people were hurt at the Boston Marathon.  Then ask your child what he or she may have heard about that.  School aged children may or may not respond to open ended questions, in the way that older children or adults are more likely to.  Children may be curious or confused and want to know about what happened.  Keep it simple. It's best not to over-explain, or provide complicated answers to their questions.   But you also don't need to have all the answers.  

If you're not sure how to answer their questions, you can say, "I don't know," and talk as calmly as possible about precautions you and your family or community are taking to ensure their safety.  If you are very anxious about the unknown, try to calm yourself down before you have this conversation.  We can't control everything in the world, and that's just reality.   

Be sure to ask them about their feelings.  You may have to name the feelings - "Are you happy, sad, angry, afraid, lonely, guilty?"  School aged children will not be able to reflect in the sophisticated way that teenagers can, but they may be able to identify their feelings, and tell you where in their body they feel bad or uncomfortable (e.g., my tummy hurts).  

Often it's best to simply reflect their feelings back to them.  For example, "you are sad that some runners were hurt."  While engaging with your child, if you notice that he or she is particularly sad, it's ok for you to show a little sadness too, just as you would be empathic to an upset friend.  However, better not to allow sadness to overwhelm you, because it might get in the way of being emotionally available to them.   Children sometimes need extra hugs and attention when they are upset. 

This is also a great opportunity to allow kids to talk about their opinions.  School aged children can be action oriented, and may be inspired to do something constructive, such as take up a collection for victims of a crime.  If possible, offer support and encouragement to them, and any concrete help that they might need.  Maybe this is a project that you can do together, or help them do with friends.